this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
Dude I still wanna know who I had sex with on new years eve
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
Come over so we can hookup and eat tacos. Those are 2 things you can't possibly turn down.
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
So heartbroken my rebound has a rebound
After I was kicked out of the last frat I blacked out, woke up in the hospital with no clothes no phone and no idea what happened last night. But i got hospital socks, thats a win in my book.
Idk she didn't seem that weird to me but I had just eaten an entire tray of jello infused with liquor so I could be wrong...
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
Randomize
