If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
I'm at the house listening to vengaboys alone. Please come home.
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
so i gave him head in the movie theater last night. thought we were alone til I heard the clapping from the other side of the theater after he'd finished.
I'm ready for this little girl to leave so I can hit the bong already
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
Lol what? Monday night impromptu acid drop was the alternative.
Is cat milk safe for human consumption?
I can show you the world. Shining, splimbering vaginaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
Who knew removing piercings would be so radical?
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
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