community service is like the breakfast club... except we're all the criminal.
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
I really couldn't tell if she was disgusted with the fact that I yacked on her shoes, or if she was about to do the same to me.
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
I'll make some time for you! I don't know how long you need to get off, but I should only need 2-7 minutes, pending what kind of socks I have on.
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
Randomize
