My Higher Power is John Stamos
Who topped off the "random beer mix" beer bong with a pinch of pepper?? All you could taste was busch and pepper...
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
my dad has now seen 6 different dudes grab my ass. i guess i should start a list.
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
I would eat the Denny's grand slam special out of my new probation officers b hole
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
Recliner chair sex has moments of worry....just don't.
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
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