if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
You keep saying things....but all I'm hearing is kegs
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
Because she seems like the type to give it up for a box of fruit rollups.
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
I don't know how it started but we all ended up shirtless andI was covered in crawfish and wearing a sombrero.
Randomize
