Andrew is trying to convince me that i took your virginity. Please tell me he is lying.
define virginity.
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
Its 6 am and me and the girl in the next apartment have been taking turns puking and yelling "never agaaaain" thru the walls.
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
ALMOST WRECKED MY SCOOTER. DAVE FRANCO HAS A TWIN AMD HE GOES HERE
I asked him if we were going to get arrested for doing it in the bar parking lot. "Absolutly not" said the guy getting the blow job...
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
I think it stinks she’s cheating on him. My vagina on the other hand is tingly thinking about a summer of sexual healing
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