I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
i was the DD for the swedish students tonight. Got paid 23 dollars for driving 10 miles. gotta love ignorance and the confusion conversion brings.
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
Evvvvvveryone knows we hooked up in the DJ booth. People call it the BJ booth now. I've created a legacy
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
I am seriously only coming over if there are McNuggets. I want 10 bitch. Honey mustard.
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
Randomize
