he just told me about his fetish for rubbing grape jelly on his penis.
dude, she masturbates with a ken doll.
i don't remember it, but i know we had sex because my stuffed animals were facing the wall
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
can we get together and have a vodka water gun fight? i need to get som intense excersise/alcohol
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
Would you still love me if I got a Whatever Forever tattoo? It's like the Emo kids' Live Laugh Love
Randomize
