She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
I reached in my backpack to pull out my laptop. I found my bottle of Jack and 2 bottles of Coke. It's going to be a good class.
so the time management class we had to take for work seems to be working. I just beat off instead of waiting for gf to get home bc it fit my schedule better.
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
She just licked her nipple in public to get a free bar tab.
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
Randomize
