I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
We just taught the Brazilian how to smoke out of a vuvuzela.
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
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