just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
I'm thinking about that time I was in a trashbag and you spray painted my hair yellow
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
Check out this gay circle: I've now hooked up with my ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend, and most recently my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend's ex-fling.
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
The thought of you trying to procreat frightenes and disgusts me!
Randomize
