From behind she looks like Richard Simmons
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
We probably shouldn't have forced that guys cat to drink the grey goose while we were doing lines in his bathroom
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
Last thing I remember was a hand in the pants. Then I woke up next to a full beer and a McDouble, which I promptly had for breakfast.
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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