had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
Come back. Shots need mouths.
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
Just remember: We don't tell our English professor about our fetishes unless she specifically asks about them.
I may be asexual, but I owe you a solid from yesterday. I am a man of my word.
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
He's actually really cute and seems like a good guy. And given that he likes lots of drugs, he could come in handy.
I was really surprised he asked for my number the next morning..... and my name.
Randomize
