My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
This is not okay. I only like one boy. I should like 200 boys and be having wild unprecedented sex. Instead I like one boy whose a born again virgin.
You bet your firm but soft ass I miss you
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
Randomize
