You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference
The way you explained my vagina was exactly the way I would of described my breakfast burrito.
you could play connect the dots with the people ive fucked in this room
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
Instead of sending me a picture of his dick, he sent me a drawing of it on drawsomething. This game is getting out of control.
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Randomize
