I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
Its ok we found him,,, He is in the bathroom trying to write his life story on a roll of toilet paper.
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
i pushed adam in a shopping cart for 15 blocks, then we realized we left tyler downtown
did you go back and get him?
nah we went to a karaoke bar instead, so worth it
I think someone shaved off all their pubes in the handicap stall or a werewolf stopped by the office to take a crAzy dump!
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Randomize
