Anything crazier than usual happen? I woke up in a stairway with my cock out.
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
As long as you're naked and covered in glow paint, I'm there.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
There's no such thing as shame in your world, is there?
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
i wish i could put you in a lil box, and keep you for when i need to be blown
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
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