I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
he puked all over my guest bed and the said he felt good enough to clean it up. he poured bleach all over the bed and passed out in it. he had the chemiacal burn for a month...
Omg the world wants us to be better people
I refuse
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
He's not put together enough to have that big of a dick
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
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