sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
so either half this theatre is as stoned as me, or day daybreakers is hilarious
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
Of the past 48 hours, 46 of them have been spent naked. I'd say it's been a good two days.
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
Randomize
