My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
I have no morals, kinda like you have no standards
None
she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
Lets just not get arrested. That might put a damper on everything. I only say that cause i've almost been arrested.
how was it?
he was petting the bushes because they were "napkins"
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
I'm just going to have crazy good sex with him until one of us developed feelings that works in the movies right?
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
A legendary roster of degenerates has been assembled.
While all of the skanky girls from the crowd got on stage we screamed fair game and scoped out all their boyfriends, she made out with 2, this is what we call taking advantage of the situation
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
Randomize
