just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
His room was full of guns. It was like having sex with Clint Eastwood.
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
DC is easy, you will figure it out.
I'm drunk and blonde. You are wayyyy underestimating this.
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
with the way the semester is going, being a stripper is starting to sound better and better everyday
I deserve this hangover.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
Randomize
