you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
Foreign porn with subtitles is a little disappointing.
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
I told him he had to put his dick inside of me at approx 1159 to ensure it was birthday sex. i was 19 when he entered me.. came out 20. winning.
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
