I have the Lakers game on, but all I can think about is having sex with you. Not sure what you've done here.
What happened at the top of the stairs is never to be spoken of again.
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
they have a video of him in his boxers making a snow angel in the hallway is his own vomit and coca cola.
you're no funn. i shall go consult my friend vodka on this matter.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
Randomize
