I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
She put her phone in her underwear and it somehow managed to work it's way into her vagina. she has a BLACKBERRY.
i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
You're like the Miss Manners of anonymous gay sex.
I smell like Dick and happiness
is it sad that a disney movie is making me horny?
shots, cocks, socks. bingo
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