if i wake u up at 5am tmrw by coming into ur room wearing nothing but my indiana jones hat and purple socks while singing 'courtesy of the red white + blue' will u be pleased or annoyed
keep in mind this isn't open to negotiation, i'm just trying to gauge ur reaction
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
You just kept saying over and over "Tell me I won't do it." Someone finally told you you won't. You did. Welcome to herpes.
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
Well on the bright side, I only need a sophomore to complete the fuck-a-guy-from-every-year-challenge.
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
Randomize
