"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
Note: footlong is not the password to the subway wi fi network.. p.s- im super high
So Delta doesn't take cash. I used my card to buy a drink and asked the attendant if she could leave it open.
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
We sold so many girl scout cookies when we were little. What went wrong?
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
Yo I get this girl alone in my room last night but she bounces cus she thought the full house poster was "weird"
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
Sleeping with him wouldn't be considered hoeing out... It seems more like babysitting.
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
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