I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
He felt like a one man threesome
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
More or less binge drinking as a giant grape seemed justified
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
yeah the cable guy is coming and everybody is hiding all the pieces in the house. we are up to thirty two. like a fun game of smokable scavener hunt.
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
I just walked in on her masturbating to a social anxiety video...
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
Not to be hella graphic on main but I just came so hard I think I saw a new color.
Randomize
