i cant get the smell of ass out of my nose
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
Its ok. I handled the situation with grace and class. lol jk i got shitfaced and fucked his roomate.
Why on earth is he slamming his body into the wall again?
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
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