Proposition. Sex. No words, no talking about it later. I just want you tonight.
I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
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