Happy Easter!!!
I'm an idiot
You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
her vagina looked like bernie madoff
All I remember is yelling at him to admit he liked Bon Jovi, then accusing him of giving love a bad name.
She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
Question: should I be considering heels or is this the kind of night where I should plan on falling on my face regardless of my choice of footwear?
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
she said. She was going to, and I quote, "put her vagina inside my dick".
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
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