dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
I was trying to sing daddy wasnt there from austin powers but apparently I was crying and and yelling jibberish...I get to into this shit
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
Randomize
