I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
It's not just going to appear. A lot of blood, sweat, tears, and leg work went into finding a cock that amazing!
I miss all the tiny banana hammocks... When can I go back to ogling? I can do it from a lot farther than six feet without any complaints.
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