More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
and hes going back to rehab like me, so we have common interests
Man, jail baloney is awful.
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
Randomize
