Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
U took a sewing needle to his nipple
Psshh,
Well... He is a good looking man underneath all the fat and muff.
I can't even tell you how many rave sticks I tore apart with my teeth last night.
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
Randomize
