Just did lines off a tackle box. Love Montana.
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
I just wish I could congratulate your tits on how much I love seeing them
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
He just used the word frick. Is that a possible red flag?
Strip Simon Says: DO IT
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
I sit across from him at graduation so I get to stare at him and think about how I fucked his step brother and laugh to myself
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
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