She looks like Robin Williams dressed as a frog.
Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
she told me she sucks everyone's dick but mine because mine is too big and "hard to suck" i need to reevaluate the girls i fall in love with.
I've never heard a "this is the reason why i dont suck your cock" explanation go in that direction
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
BEER BONG IN THE STOCKROOM COME IN TO WORK TODAY
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
Yeah, clearly. And then we can float around my room on Christmas themed inner tubes. And drink, I guess.
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
Come to the roof. We are drinking breakfast.
Also.. The Hobbit does not look like a cartoon. We were just too fucking high.
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
I told him. He hasn't said anything. Crying and holding cats is probably what is happening.
Randomize
