i don't have parental supervision. i'm gonna start accepting candy from strangers now.
I have no idea how to attract men with my personality anymore. He can't see my tits via facebook chat
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
i've officially fucked a sailor, a policeman and a biker. I've never noticed my Village People fetish until now...
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
I blew him while he was standing up and he drooled on my head
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
she was sitting with her tits completely out.. on the kitchen floor..eating pickles by the handful... rapping mac dre... and then lit up a cig and continued...that drunk
Randomize
