apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
I didn't sleep with her. I'm boycotting arizona and she's from phoenix.
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
I've literally exhausted all the videos on pornhub. It took like 4 years, but I've done it. I did that quicker than I finished college
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
Randomize
