Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
he kept whispering yes yes yes yes the entire 15 minutes. i almost wish it was a quickie.
He sat there and debated the pros and cons of hooking up with me
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
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