were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
She tied me up with her honor cords...
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
Hahaha I asked him about her bjs and he said "I would not wish that on anyone"
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
Are you coming to class or was the dick pic this morning your way of saying not today?
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
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