opening your purse in class to grab a pen only to find dollar bills and pink fuzzy handcuffs instead...that's a cool feeling
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
They just yellow carded someone for spilling a drink because it was a party foul. Love germans.
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
Pretty sure even her dog was surprised when I got that blow job.
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
looked it up online and zoo tickets are only 20 bucks and there's also a museum of science close to the hotel.
i'm not going to a FUCKING museum. i want to be wasted and possibly double penetrated... have you EVER been on vacation?
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
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