I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
apparently i was cut off before i even walked in
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
Never. No amount of alcohol could convince my brain and eye sight that it is okay to fuck him. I'd rather fuck my cousin.
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
Randomize
