First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
I'm shivering and sweating at the same time. Thanks a lot St. Patrick.
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
i wanted to ask her what his dick looked like but i thought that would be weird for the first time i met her
Yea you just drank all the Hookah water, then started talking gibberish about the Kool Aid you just drank.
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
I don't work there anymore. If they had Prince themed dildo parties i never would have quit
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
Pussy, Peanut Butter Cookies,and Bubble Wrap
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
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