I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
just tried to puke while my RA was trying to puke in the stall next to me.bonded for life
There has to be a way to make college graduation in Las Vegas different than any other Tuesday in Las Vegas. Strippers? Been there. Getting arrested for public indecency on the strip? Done that.
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
i was enjoying my post acid trip trance a little too much. i found $50 on the sidewalk but didnt pick it up. just stared at the bill cuz it looked cool.
someone picked it up and i stared at the ground where it was for probably another minute or 2
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
Stacy lit a fart and burn half of the couch down before we can put the Flames out. Bring your truck.
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