ill give you a foot job if you come over before 4
the best thing about dollar beer night is beer is only a dollar.
Your sister thinks she pees out of her clit. Did you have Sex Ed or Sunday School growing up?
You cheat on me once, shame on me. You cheat on me with a white girl, it's fucking over
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
officially spring now- first drug bust of the season across the street.
She asked if my windows were tinted enough for road head.
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
Grandpa just whipped it out and started pissing on the way to the game stuck in traffic. I saw EVERYTHING. :(
Randomize
