no one is going to fuck you in a field of bunnies
i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
it got awkward when the only couple not hooking up was just watching..
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
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