I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
she worked me into her spring break cardio plan. im mondays and wednesdays.
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
I hope our bodies realize that workaholics starts tomorrow and will be well enough to handle the hell we are going to put them through. amen.
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
Randomize
