Why did you take off so early
No more beer. And also. Threesome. Maybe. Ill let you know.
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
I met him yesterday and now he's wanting to hold hands and kiss in public. i hate this
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
I came so hard that my back seriously popped like 5 times.
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
That time of your life is like a blur to me. There was churches, car fucking, and conservatives
She made me baby bird juul smoke to her while we were fucking
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
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