I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
I just experienced a full blown christian wedding. I am SO GLAD YOUR WEDDING WASNT THIS.
what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
May 25th. Drunk Laser Tag party to celebrate our bdays. May 26th. Mushrooms at Chattanooga Aquarium. Damn
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
