I may or may not have slept in someones apt on your street because they told me I was fun sized like a mini snickers
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
Once again there IS no outside bathroom. Never has been, that is the balcony
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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