all i need in life is blowjobs and white cheddar cheezits
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
he just flipped me off the bed, said "deal with it", and came on me.
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
ok first of all what the fuck
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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