I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
Well, I just watched him puke into his pitcher at the bar, I doubt he cares about anything other than the fact that he needs a new beer.
Safe to say I relapsed into my old chatroulette drunk flashing days.
I never thought that it would get to the point where I would have to specify that by "hang out" I meant "fuck like rabbits." Growing up shouldn't be this way.
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
Consider it an appointment to improve my blow job capabilities.
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
You woke up butt naked, peed yourself said something about jumbo shrimp, and passed back out 10 seconds ltr..
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
It all started with a game of naked twister.
Imma make him fuck me with my jersey on tonight while I chant Go Jets Go. Gotta love playoff hockey szn.
Randomize
