Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
this chick on a show just showed her boobs and let some guy paint them others asked why she did it and her reply i quote "i was bored" why dont chicks get bored more often
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
sorry can't. you know Saturday is the masturbating day for single sorority girls here.
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
We bird danced in front of the bird cages for 20 minutes. I think it was our way of being like fuck you guys you're in a cage and we're on summer break.
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
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