Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
You realize it's finals week?
Ya that's the school's fault. St. Patrick's day came first.
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
sea world and a strip club? BEST DAY EVER!
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
