I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
He is an equal opportunity slut.
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
So... 5th graders can't whisper for shit, but apparently I have an awesome rack.
Haha. Niice.
Yeah, I didn't know whether to be shocked or flattered.
both.
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You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
We just took turns doing keg stands. 27 is way too old for this. Out of 5 of us, our best time was 9 seconds.
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
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Will i get arrested If i steal the salvatiion arny guys bell for ringing it to close to my hangover
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
He's a freak. Not like "freak in the bed" freak but like "eats glue in the weekends" freak.
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