Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
I dont know if you relize this but ive been high ly medicated in my room for a whil now. GOing out into the real world would make me li ke tom ha nks. im not ready to be tom hanks..
Every concussion has its silver lining
Finished watching the entire first season of mighty morphing power rangers. Now I have nothing. Not even a life.
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
I think one of your friend's offered my friend chicken tenders back at his place...just FYI he should probably come up w/ another line
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.