I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
You asked the officer if he could bring you to the same jail as T.I.
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.