no, he came in my armpit
from all the glitter we used it actually looked like a disco stick
lets put it this way..we'd win on tool academy
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
Also there's a home game tomorrow and I thought about holding up a sign that says, "I madeout with #64 during orientation week" would that be inappropriate??
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
I mean I've only met the girl once and she was trying to slit some guys tires.
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