the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i had confetti in my bra
i still find it in random places like a shoe or my car. that week haunts me
I fell asleep to him stroking my ass calling it his precious.
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
Just come here quick. I'm home in 3min. It will take you literally less than 5 to walk. Then 2 to undress, 16 to fuck, 2 to dress again and 5 to walk back..!!
exactly 16 eh??
Randomize