Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
Everybody was literally kung fu fighting
she met some random, took his vcard, peed in his bed, left, and then requested him as her boyfriend on facebook
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
I feel that my cleavage set an unattainably high bar for 2013.
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
Randomize
