I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
I just want school to he over so we can build a big tent, do drugs inside it, and watch cartoons until the sun comes up.
That's all I've ever wanted.
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
so getting blacked out last night has made my lips so beautifully red for pictures today... and they say nothing good comes from alcohol
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
Randomize
